Purple's Platitudes

nothing but words …

Innocuous

09 July 2008

Innocuous

Sometimes, when everything inside is gurgling and in turmoil, I just need to choose an innocuous question to distract me, for the moment anyway!

What lets you sleep soundly at night?

I suppose I should preface any answer with the almost laughable question: sleep? who me? But, I have been more of a nocturnal creature most of my life, preferring the quieter, more productive hours of darkness to the more hurried daylight hours. I also seem to require less sleep than many, getting by on three or four hours most of the time.

However, I do have certain bedtime rituals at the moment that occasionally work. First, music, or rather environmental sounds. I usually listen to nature CDs I have imported into iTunes, such as the sound of ocean waves. Another favorite selection would be crickets and water. I have many choices, but those two seem to lull me more successfully than anything else.

I also have been setting the screen saver to a slideshow of pictures and I have been watching them scroll and fade in and out and across my monitor as I drift off to sleep and they greet me the very first thing on awakening each morning. Either way, there is both an indescribable joy, mixed with an unfulfilled longing, an almost melancholic sadness tinged with a contentment that words fail to ever express fully. My last thought, and my first …

I also have acquired a habit of huddling against the wall, not snuggling or cuddling for those are only possible with someone else. Huddling is the next best thing, a poor substitute I’m afraid, but comforting nonetheless. I also sleep with five pillows at the moment, three under my head, unless I pull one down to hold in my arms and against my chest and body, again, a lonely alternative to the real thing. I also have a smaller pillow I started holding between my knees when I sleep, a makeshift remedy I guess from an earlier time when I was experiencing back pain. I also have a throw pillow that usually is what I hold as I curl up and wait for sleep to come.

Sleep never comes easily for me, even when I am exhausted, physically, mentally, and/or emotionally. It has slowly become easier, but that is a intensively long and drawn out chapter or two from my life for another time. For now, let’s just say I can fall asleep, sleep soundly, and only wrestle with dreams and the occasional nightmare once in awhile. Of course, some dreams are good! Some dreams are wonderful in fact and even welcomed. But again, perhaps it is best to leave that thought alone for now.

Sleeping alone takes some getting used to, and to be honest, I don’t like it. But, for now, I have no choice. Perhaps in time, someone will replace a few of those pillows. I’d rather have a warm body next to me any night. (or day for that matter) It’s funny, most people probably think that when you find yourself suddenly alone after spending years of your life with someone that you would miss the sex, and yes, I do, but you know what I miss even more? Just the physical closeness and presence of someone else, the warmth of holding someone near, the comforting nearness of touching someone, not in a sexual way, but just in a physical sense. Whether spooning and falling asleep with my arm comfortably draped over her, perhaps even holding hands as we fall asleep, or even back to back with at least certain parts in contact with the other … yeah! Sigh. I miss falling asleep with someone.

… and this just goes to prove that no subject or topic can ever be innocuous. Everything carries an emotional weight, no matter what it is. Most of the time, I never know what I am going to write or where I will end up. It is simply the path inside of the path.

23 March, 2013 - Posted by | Vomit Theory | , ,

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