Purple's Platitudes

nothing but words …

ABC award

21 February 2014

 

 

Robin, at witlessdatingafterfifty.wordpress.com nominated me for an ABC (awesome blog content) award, but as I have stated before, I do not usually accept or pass along these awards. However, I do enjoy the assignments that accompany them sometimes, so …

 

A = analytical, I think about everything (too much)

 

B = blind (legally not totally yet) … sympathy/pity hugs are always welcome J

 

C = creative, my one, self-indulgent positive affirmation about myself

 

D = dichotomous, there are always two, or more, sides to everything I think, feel, am …

 

E = mc … no, never mind, ummm … encouraging, I love seeing the best in others and coaxing it out

 

F = fussy LOL, I like what I like (see S)

 

G = genuine, I think I am WYSIWYG (what you see is what you get)

 

H = humble, although others would probably say I am simply not self-assertive, or that I discount the positives whenever I am complimented

 

I = inquisitive, I love asking (and sometimes answering) questions.

 

J = jazz lover? jasmine, juniper, ummm … jangly, Jurassic, what begins with J?

 

K = Krakatoa erupted on my birthday (well, technically it began the night before, but the big boom was on my birthday)

 

L = last male to carry the family surname

 

M = melancholic by nature, INTP, a 4/5, Virgo, mischievous miscreant … M*A*S*H lover

 

N = needy, in a I don’t need anyone or anything kind of way

 

O = omniscient, omnipotent (out of my mind?)

 

P = platitudinous?

 

Q = quizzically quaint

 

R = rebellious, not overtly, but in immensely subtle ways

 

S = stubborn! (brays like Baalam’s donkey)

 

T = tremendously terrific … oh wait, that whole humble thing, nvm

 

U = ubiquitous … not really, I just like that word

 

V = Vogon (if you don’t get that it’s all right)

 

W = wanderer, at least in spirit, always have been

 

X = xenophobic? (how about xcentric?? No, huh?)

 

Y = YYZ used to be one of my fav songs to play on bass

 

And finally …

 

Z = zooish (as in I belong in a zoo)

 

… now I know my ABCs, perhaps you know a little bit more about me.

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21 February, 2014 Posted by | Vomit Theory | | Leave a comment

rant

16 August 2013

 

 

Rant

 

 

I need to rant.

By most standards, I am living slightly below poverty level, I have no savings, no possessions of any value, such as a vehicle, or property or a motorcycle or jet ski or …

However, I do own a computer, and a TV, even though I do not have cable for it.

I do have a cat, and yes, even though I do not have a home phone at all, I do have a cell phone. I have been off work since April on a medical disability, losing your sight

tends to qualify as a disability you would think. It took 12 weeks to begin receiving my

short term disability, my only source of income at this time, $48 a week. Denied Unemployment for medical reasons, and after four months, I have still heard absolutely nothing about my application for Social Security Disability — don’t call us, we’ll call you

is what I have been told by them. So, I applied for Public Assistance benefits. Was approved, paid $128 and then told six days later I was not eligible for assistance and had to pay the money back they had given me because according to their ingenious formula, I made too much money on what I am receiving from NYS Short Term Disability (again, $208 a month). I live in a one bedroom apartment, public housing, which is on the second floor, and which will not make even reasonable accommodations for me regarding my loss of vision, such as adding support bars in the bathroom shower, so my doctor has ordered that I require an apartment that is handicapped accessible with a walk-in shower. In another apartment complex, for the elderly and the disabled, an apartment is available, owned and managed by the same company that owns the complex I currently live in. So, I decided to move. Currently, all utilities are included in my rent which is subsidiized and based on 30% of my gross income. The new apartment is under a similar subsidy except each tenant is responsible for their own electric. Heat is included and is not electric heat. I discuss reapplying for Public Assistance but I am told that, according to their formulas, they only figure shelter expense, my rent amount, and heat, which is included, as essential components and expenses. Electric is not an acceptable expense. I kid you not! So, I find out my rent is actually going to be lowered, to allow for a Federal plan that offers a reduction in rent for those who must pay their own electric in this new apartment, which means that my shelter expense is actually lower than my gross 30% based on what I am being paid from Short Term Disability, which only runs for a total of 26 weeks anyway, and I am more than halfway through my eligibility for that already, so therefore, according to the Department of Social Services, I am no longer eligible for any assistance from them as long as I am receiving Short Term Disability. At the end of the 26 weeks, I am welcome to reapply, remembering there is a mandatory 45 day waiting period following any application for Public Assistance, besides the required paperwork and interviews in person which have to be scheduled, but perhaps, maybe, at some point in the future, after the waiting period, I might get approved for cash assistance, which, according to their formulas, means I would still only be eligible for a maximum of $245 a month of income, whether from them or anyione else. Now, I am also being told that because I have certain luxuries, a computer, a cell phone, a cat, a TV, I am not really needy enough to qualify for assistance because I could sell everything I own, such as those unnecessary things, I mean no one needs a computer or the internet or a cell phone or even a pet, right? So, in order to more properly seem needy in their eyes I am supposed to get rid of anything and everything of value, including my pet because it costs money to feed her and buy cat litter, including the computer, cancel the Internet, cancel the cell phone, and just blindly, excuse the pun, sit in my apartment and do nothing at all, day in and day out. And live on no more than the amount I am currently getting from my Disability, $208 a month and somehow survive, even though my expenses and debts that have continued to run amok for the last several months without any income have inexplicably been turned over for collection for some reason, even though I have already sold nearly everything I possess just to get by during these last five months, even though I have less than $150 left to my name to live on — and this is America? Oh, and don’t forget, if I had some kind of a drug problem, or I was an alcoholic, or if I was shacked up with some woman with four or five kids from different fathers, all of whom are not supporting them or her, well, then, according to Social Services, I WOULD BE eligible for more assistance?? That should be in direct quotes because that is exactly what the County Supervisor told me! But, because I have worked all of my life, since I was 16, I do not do drugs or drink, I live alone, except for the before mentioned pet cat which is an unnecessary luxury remember, I am NOT eligible for assistance. To be fair, I do spend some money unnecessarily, by eating out sometimes, but that is my ONLY extravagance, the only thing I actually do spend money on. I do not have a video game system, I do not buy clothes, go to the movies, in fact, other than eating out (and I am talking Mcdonald’s, Burger King, or maybe if I really splurge Pizza Hut or Subway) I do not spend my money on buying anything. My only joys in life right now are writing poetry, posting on my blog, reading what others write when I can see it, and listening to either music, on the computer which I should not have, or through my TV which I also should not have, especially since it is equipped with WiFi, and I have begun listening to books on CD since I can no longer see to watch movies or read real books, or even ebooks. That is all I do. I know this is sounding like a pity me monologue, but I had few friends outside of work and now that I am legally blind, both family, and friends, with one exception (she knows who she is) don’t call or visit or include me in anything since losing my vision. I understand, to a point. No one knows how to deal with it any better than I do and it is simply easier to stay away and exclude me socially. Anyway, long story short, I will be forced to drop my unnecessary expenses in favor of the necessary, no phone, no internet in home (I plan on going to the library where the internet is free and hopefully continuing to write and post to my blog but it will be slightly less regular than I have been about posting.) I may have to stop following the blogs I follow, since I will not be able to keep up with reading and the email notifications as consistently. I thought about just closing my blog altogether, but essentially, its original purpose is still a need — namely keeping what I write safe online after a catastrophic hard drive failure a few years ago where I lost almost two years of what I had written, poems, song lyrics, and my personal journal. It has only been a public offering so to speak as other poets discovered me and offered encouragement and faithful readership. I do not care about the stats and the number of views or Followers my blog has, but I have always cared about the people, about encouraging the talents and gifts in others as much as appreciating their participation with my own poetry. So, thank you all for making me feeol welcome in this online WordPress community in so many ways. I still have that naive faith that somehow, someway, it will all work out in the end, but I also needed to get all of this inside-of-me stuff out somehow, so I apologize for the rant. As always, my encouragement to you is simple: write, read, and write some more …

16 August, 2013 Posted by | Vomit Theory | | Leave a comment

note to Self

03 July 2013

note to Self

 

To state the obvious, what we remember, we cannot forget.

It reminds me of a writing exercise, make a

list of everything you wish to remember. Anything you

do not write down will be forgotten, lost forever.

It’s really an exercise in focus, paying attention, noticing …

I am constantly in this tug-of-war, torn between wanting,

 

needing to hold on, and yet, wishing to let

go. Possessions, things, seem easier to detach from, at

least for me, but memories, those things I hold

on to and remember remain. It’s not that I

cling to the past, or that I continue to

torture myself with things I would be better off

 

forgetting, or that it is somehow wrong to wish

to remember the good. I just know for me

the harder I attempt to hold on, the less

I tend to live in, and fully focus on

and appreciate the present moment. And that is all

I really have. I should remind myself of this.

3 July, 2013 Posted by | Poetry | , | Leave a comment

Liebster Award

http://mindlovemisery.wordpress.com/2013/04/23/liebster-award/

 

Thanks mindlovemisery for the nomination.

Even though I choose not to participate in these awards, I was attracted to answering these questions. I suspect I was Socrates in a former life because I LOVE questions.

 

When did you start writing? Was there any specific person, event, or inspiration?

 

03 November 1979 … I began a journal, handwritten at that time, and I have never stopped writing, journaling, songs, poetry … and everything I have written is here on my blog. I still believe originally, writing was my way of creating intimacy, both with myself, and others. And perhaps, that too has never really changed.

Aside from writing do you have other talents?

 

I was a musician for most of my life, dabbled in photography, and I can chirp like a cricket 🙂

What was one of the scariest things you have ever done?

 

Ahhhh … so many, saying "I do" … saying "goodbye" … getting caught on a two-lane railroad bridge with trains coming in each direction and

just having to stand there in between them, both inches away, as they sped past …

 

What do you think happens when we die? Had any near death experiences?

People cry, waste money on flowers, mourn and grieve instead of celebrating the life that was, remembering the good, sharing stories,

and honoring a loved one by living our own lives and never taking anything for granted. (near death … see above LOL)

 

Describe yourself in one sentence

I am every word in every book ever written, burning at 450 F

 

If you had a pen name what would it be?

Jason Christopher Starr

 

What draws you to other writers? (what sort of poems do you like)

Unpretentious talent, honesty, emotional vulnerability, an intangible ability to see and feel and get that down somehow

on paper/or screen … poems are like children, so I like poems that are conceived in love, birthed in pain, and raised to be

themselves, so the cycle may continue …

 

What is the last dream you remember?

 

I have one reoccurring dream, I am in some building, with thousands of doors, but none lead "out" and there is always the sense that I am not

alone, that someone is following me, or chasing me, but I never see anyone else. I have had this dream all of my life and it remains the most

vivid one I ever remember.

 

What is your favorite scent?

My first thought cannot be shared … so, I will say cinnamon.

 

Are you an optimist/pessimist/realist?

 

I am a real, pessimistic optimist 🙂 who doesn’t see the glass as either half empty or half full because I am too busy looking at life and people

to see the glass in the first place.

 

What is your favorite game? (board game, video game, sport whatever)

 

I could say chess, or Scrabble, or basketball, or dwarf tossing, but my favorite game is to encourage others to see who they are,

who they might become, even when they may not know yet.

23 April, 2013 Posted by | Vomit Theory | | Leave a comment

some thoughts on communication

30 March 2013

some thoughts on communication

 

It takes time,

LOTS of time,

trial and error,

misunderstandings,

misperceptions,

a willingness to listen

and forgive,

to explain without defensiveness,

anger, or vengeful words.

 

It means choosing,

not only which battles to fight,

but ultimately, surrendering

for the sake of the greater good.

Being right at the cost of

eroding or even destroying

what is between us

is something I hope we never do.

 

It is practicing,

making mistakes,

learning as we go.

It is commitment,

to each other, but

perhaps more importantly

to what we share between us.

There is a difference.

 

It is understanding and accepting

that we do not have to agree

on everything, we are individuals

who can safely have our own

opinions without needing to

conform to someone else’s.

 

It is truly caring enough

to really listen, with both ears,

with both eyes, and sometimes

with mouth closed.

 

It is not talking to someone,

down to someone,

at someone,

but with …

 

It is the echo of my heart, my soul’s

deepest need to connect

not with just anyone,

but with you.

And the hope that you

would wish the same.

 

It is grace.

We are imperfect.

Words will be said, feelings hurt,

unintentionally and regrettably

otherwise sometimes.

It is not just words,

to just say "I am sorry"

but to compassionately

hear when my, your, our words

have wounded and

to care more about healing and

restoration than trying to

justify, explain, rationalize, or defend our words!

 

It is more than words, no not the song,

the unspoken, the looks, the touches,

the non-verbal majority.

It is intuition, knowing somehow without

being told, yet always recognizing

that even the most confident

assumptions are still just that …

 

It is daring to ask, look foolish for

perhaps not understanding,

without hurtful condescension or

arrogance or derisive attitudes.

 

It is the way we touch, when

absolutely no words need to be

used. It is a laugh, or silently falling tears.

It is a sigh, just to be held close, just

to know you are appreciated,

not taken for granted,

and yes, loved.

 

It is remembering, paying attention,

showing, not just telling,

it is compromise and sometimes

it is steadfastness. It is flexibility and

respecting rules, boundaries, the need

for something to stand on.

 

It is innocence, vulnerability,

transparency …

It is togetherness and space,

it is the freedom to let go,

without ever giving up.

 

It is not dutifully silent,

it is speaking up for what you think

and feel and believe, for what you

do and do not want,

for what you desire, need, hope for, dream of …

 

it is constant imperfections,

clinging to faith in ourselves,

each other,

and us.

 

If it ever fails, truly fails,

there is nothing left, but

with it … all things are possible.

We can face anything, deal with anything,

conquer anything together if

we can always communicate.

 

This is my wish, for us.

30 March, 2013 Posted by | Vomit Theory | | Leave a comment

Simply Semantics

11 July 2008

Simply Semantics?

 

Infatuation — completely carried away by unreasoning passion or attraction

Love — (n) a strong affection for or attachment or devotion to a person or persons; a strong, usually passionate affection for a person of the opposite sex

to fall in love — to begin to love, to feel that strong, usually passionate affection

Love — (v) to feel love for, to show love for by embracing, fondling, kissing, to court, to woo, to embrace or kiss as lovers do, to take delight in, to take pleasure in, to feel the emotion of love

Emotion — any specific feeling, complex reactions having both psychical and physical manifestations

Passionate — extreme compelling emotion, intense emotional drive or excitement, strong love or affection, sexual drive, lust

Lust — eagerness to possess or enjoy, a desire to gratify the senses, bodily appetites, to feel an intense sexual desire for someone

Affection — fond or tender feelings, as in for another

Attachment — close affection, devotion, as in to connect, to bond with another, usually meaning an emotional closeness for another

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record or wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." (1 Corinthians 13: 4-8 NIV)

Okay, so what’s the point of the dictionary exploration? I don’t think anyone has ever successfully defined what love is, or even what love isn’t. It resists all attempts to define it. We can’t say it is this or that or even not this or not that … not with any certainty. We don’t know where it comes from, when it begins, or sometimes even when it is real or not, after all it could just be hormones or lust or infatuation or something else.

And yet, somehow we do know. At least we think we know. We think we know enough to believe in it, know enough when we think it is "real" for us, despite what everyone else might say even. No one else knows our thoughts, our feelings, so in the end, it is something only we can know — right? And if someone else thinks they know too, obviously if we are mutually attracted and all that, then no one can convince us otherwise. It must be love — well it might be entirely one-sided, unreciprocated, or one of us might be entirely delusional too, but then again … maybe not.

I think the purpose of this today was just to make the age-old point that love defies all logic, all attempts to put it in some box, to define its borders and parameters, even all scientific inquisitional inquiries come up mostly empty. But sometimes, somehow, somewhere inside, we just know … then we have to ask the questions and face the obstacles and choose what to do with our newfound knowledge. There is perhaps nothing else as wonderful as love, and yet nothing else as potentially devastating and disappointing as well, but that digresses into another topic, so for today, I close. In love …

23 March, 2013 Posted by | Vomit Theory | , , | Leave a comment

It started singing

10 July 2008

It started singing

 

"When love first tasted the lips of being human, it started singing." — Rumi

Forgive me this indulgence, but I am beginning to hear singing, a song I wish to share despite everything. I’ve explored this in my journal many times I think. I am ambivalent about many questions surrounding the concept of "love", unfortunately probably still bitter and cynical, angry, hurt, and yes, perhaps even still grieving. And yet, undeniably, I believe I am humming happily to myself, perhaps even singing again.

And yet, love and fear often touch, for anything worthwhile requires risk. Our natural human frailties, such as fear, self-doubt, confusion, despair, and hopelessness — all those things we work so hard not to show in order to achieve, to be successful out there in the world are exactly the opposite of what true love demands from us. It is another paradox, one of many, that demonstrates that being vulnerable, risking transparency and genuineness with someone else is the very bedrock on which truly knowing and being known must begin. Not to garner self-pity or acquire affection by any fraudulent means, but simply to be real with someone, absolutely, unconditionally, and to allow them to be the same in return.

Everyone learns to compartmentalize — to show our strengths, the desirable and socially accepted Self not the inner compartments in which we try to hide all of our fears, weaknesses, and flaws, to say nothing of our self-doubts or our constant stream of inner dialogues that remind us that somehow or other we are ugly or unlovable or a myriad of other self-evident truths that only we seem to hear and believe.

To fall in love demands that we not only go into those deep dark caverns inside of ourselves, but we also let someone else in, openly, honestly, unreservedly, baring our souls to another. And likewise, we hope anyway, they are willing to take their own journeys inward and share themselves with us as well. That is truly what love demands, but the reality is — it is still rare!

I wish I could avoid the metaphysical, but true love, no matter what else it may or may not be, is spiritual. It is the essence (spirit) of one reaching out and connecting with the essence (spirit) of another. True love simply flows, sometimes in both directions, and sometimes, nothing can block or disrupt this, not millions of questions, or worries, or concerns, or obstacles, or anything else. But then again, sometimes all it takes is our ego to not only stifle the flow, but dry it up and end it forever. Love creates flow, naturally; ego creates walls, just as naturally.

(… to be continued)

23 March, 2013 Posted by | Vomit Theory | , , | Leave a comment

Innocuous

09 July 2008

Innocuous

Sometimes, when everything inside is gurgling and in turmoil, I just need to choose an innocuous question to distract me, for the moment anyway!

What lets you sleep soundly at night?

I suppose I should preface any answer with the almost laughable question: sleep? who me? But, I have been more of a nocturnal creature most of my life, preferring the quieter, more productive hours of darkness to the more hurried daylight hours. I also seem to require less sleep than many, getting by on three or four hours most of the time.

However, I do have certain bedtime rituals at the moment that occasionally work. First, music, or rather environmental sounds. I usually listen to nature CDs I have imported into iTunes, such as the sound of ocean waves. Another favorite selection would be crickets and water. I have many choices, but those two seem to lull me more successfully than anything else.

I also have been setting the screen saver to a slideshow of pictures and I have been watching them scroll and fade in and out and across my monitor as I drift off to sleep and they greet me the very first thing on awakening each morning. Either way, there is both an indescribable joy, mixed with an unfulfilled longing, an almost melancholic sadness tinged with a contentment that words fail to ever express fully. My last thought, and my first …

I also have acquired a habit of huddling against the wall, not snuggling or cuddling for those are only possible with someone else. Huddling is the next best thing, a poor substitute I’m afraid, but comforting nonetheless. I also sleep with five pillows at the moment, three under my head, unless I pull one down to hold in my arms and against my chest and body, again, a lonely alternative to the real thing. I also have a smaller pillow I started holding between my knees when I sleep, a makeshift remedy I guess from an earlier time when I was experiencing back pain. I also have a throw pillow that usually is what I hold as I curl up and wait for sleep to come.

Sleep never comes easily for me, even when I am exhausted, physically, mentally, and/or emotionally. It has slowly become easier, but that is a intensively long and drawn out chapter or two from my life for another time. For now, let’s just say I can fall asleep, sleep soundly, and only wrestle with dreams and the occasional nightmare once in awhile. Of course, some dreams are good! Some dreams are wonderful in fact and even welcomed. But again, perhaps it is best to leave that thought alone for now.

Sleeping alone takes some getting used to, and to be honest, I don’t like it. But, for now, I have no choice. Perhaps in time, someone will replace a few of those pillows. I’d rather have a warm body next to me any night. (or day for that matter) It’s funny, most people probably think that when you find yourself suddenly alone after spending years of your life with someone that you would miss the sex, and yes, I do, but you know what I miss even more? Just the physical closeness and presence of someone else, the warmth of holding someone near, the comforting nearness of touching someone, not in a sexual way, but just in a physical sense. Whether spooning and falling asleep with my arm comfortably draped over her, perhaps even holding hands as we fall asleep, or even back to back with at least certain parts in contact with the other … yeah! Sigh. I miss falling asleep with someone.

… and this just goes to prove that no subject or topic can ever be innocuous. Everything carries an emotional weight, no matter what it is. Most of the time, I never know what I am going to write or where I will end up. It is simply the path inside of the path.

23 March, 2013 Posted by | Vomit Theory | , , | Leave a comment

Genuinely Love

07 July 2008

Genuinely Love

 

If your success here on earth were based strictly on your ability to genuinely love, how successful would you be?

My mind immediately questions terms, a bad habit I’m afraid, but one that often avoids the pitfalls and dangers of misinterpretation that seems inevitable whenever two or more people try to share their own answers from entirely non-congruent perspectives.

Success — in my opinion, entirely subjective, individual, and nearly impossible to fully agree with anyone else on what this looks like. However, within the parameters of the question, I’d have to define it as mutually satisfying, enjoyable, meaningful, nurturing, understanding, unselfish, and unconditionally accepting the other without trying to change them, mold them into something we envision rather than just who they are.

Genuinely love — would resemble what I wrote above as well. I’d add a few extra thoughts perhaps, for in my mind and heart, I believe love, genuine love, requires trust, acceptance, commitment, and not the kind of commitment that says "if you do this, I will …" or "… as long as … I will …". In other words, genuine love should be unconditional, not based on games and manipulation, or on attempting to fix or change or modify or mold someone else into our vision of what they should be, how they should behave, how they should think, how they should view everything according to our way of seeing, how they should meet our standards, live up to our expectations, etc.

And logically the question becomes: even if I am successful, even if I genuinely love someone else, what if they do not genuinely love me in return, what if they are less than successful at genuinely loving someone else?

Do I fall under condemnation or blame if a relationship, or even a marriage fails? Certainly, I must carry some of the blame and fault for either situation, a "dating" situation where genuine love is proclaimed and declared, but perhaps, never really was the "real" thing, or a marriage, where presumably the commitment is genuine and intended to be "for life" — until death do us part.

Hindsight is a wonderful curse, a useful tool perhaps, but endless introspection and over-analysis leads merely to partial, often one-sided insights, incomplete guesses, which may or may not help heal the past and allow us to begin to move forward once again, to somehow or other start over and face the entire process once again. We become more cautious, guarded, frightened of allowing anyone to get that close to us again, afraid of the pain and the hurt that sent us reeling into such painful darkness and despair.

And yet, it would seem that when we finally find acceptance of what happened, perhaps never truly understanding why it happened, but coming to the place where we can say it is okay, it happened, I cannot dwell there any more, it is time to pick myself up, dust myself off, and believe that I have something still to offer someone, that I can truly genuinely love again, that someone might be out there just as tentatively reaching out, just as scared and guarded and uncertain, but just as willing to risk and try again. But false starts and lessons still await our hearts at every opportunity. We reach sometimes out of need, out of desperation, out of a fear that "it" will never happen for us ever again. We want that genuine love from someone, believing that we are "ready" for it, and we swear and vow we will never settle, ever again, but attention is very hard to resist and we want to believe it, that someone is sincere, and genuinely wants to love us the way we want to be loved and allow us to love them the way we truly want to love another too.

So, we keep reaching, risking, trying, believing … I believe some do find genuine love again, but then I have never allowed myself to accept that there is only one person we can ever love in this life, that there can be only one soul mate (which would be a another topic to explore obviously). I did not say "I do" with any thought of ever not being committed to my wife, the person I had chosen to be with, again, until death. But, here I am, divorced, and painfully single and alone after nearly 19 years together.

Did I genuinely love? Was I successful at my relationship? Apparently the answer would have to be no to both inquiries. I’ve punished myself for nearly two years, asking every conceivable question, looking inward with the most soul-baring honesty I could muster as I contemplated the journey and the choices, both those I made, and those that were made by others, and in the end, under the microscope of asking more "Why?" questions than "How?" ones I know I did fail on both genuinely loving and at being successful by any definition. But, I also learned a lot about myself, about others, about many aspects of relating to another, and if I am ever given another chance to love someone I know some things will be different. Perhaps perfection in loving another is simply unobtainable, but I know I will pay more attention, not take someone for granted, be more genuinely loving, less selfish and self-centered, more nurturing, encouraging, more willing to share and interact and do the little things that, honestly, I quit doing along the way.

I will more genuinely love if I am ever given the chance again. Period. But, I will also be with someone that is willing to genuinely love me in return. It will be a mutual partnership, based on equality and respect and trust and a commitment to do whatever it takes to make the relationship all it can be. Nothing less will ever be satisfying, or even desirable to me.

23 March, 2013 Posted by | Vomit Theory | , , | Leave a comment