Sonnet XXXVII
21 May 2013
Sonnet XXXVII
I wish I could be one of those guys who
could just use women to satisfy me,
physically and emotionally,
but I can’t. It’s something I just can’t do.
My fatal flaw is that I care too much,
too deeply and too quickly do I fall,
raising someone up on a pedestal,
I try to believe that love is enough.
I’m also giving, more than I get back,
and I see more in others than they see,
my desire to know someone seems to be
something strange that most people seem to lack.
Perhaps no one wants to be loved like this?
Maybe it’s unattainable to wish?
good enough
20 May 2013
Good enough
I was good enough
to chat with, to get to know,
to flirt with, tease, and
to gradually open up and share with.
I was good enough
to want to meet, to begin weekend
get-togethers, and support
and encourage through some of
the darkest times of my life
I was good enough
to somehow remain friends
even after I pushed you away
the first three times
and to reconnect with on
a coincidental night
not so long ago.
I was good enough
to rekindle something I was
scared to allow before,
that deeper caring that I
resisted so strongly before,
keeping you at a more
comfortable distance.
I was good enough
to be with again, to hold hands with,
kiss, touch and caress,
to let me hold you,
run my fingers through your hair,
to tickle and stroke your skin
so tenderly sometimes it left
me almost speechless,
without words to even express
what I was feeling as I
touched your skin, your face,
your lips …
I was good enough
to risk opening up to you,
more than I ever did before,
to share what I was thinking
and feeling, my past, with
as much honesty as I could,
the present struggles and future fears,
my wants and needs and desires,
and even to begin to dream
of something more …
I was good enough
to have the tables turned, to care
for you like you must have cared
for me before, only now
you are confused, filled with doubt,
endlessly asking questions and
dreaming of someone else …
I was good enough
to choose to care for you,
as strongly as I do,
to even voice my commitment
to something more serious
than anything we ever were
before to one another …
and, apparently, in crossing that
line, in caring too much, wanting
more than you, I am no longer
good enough, for you have
let me go.
a few of my thoughts
15 May 2013
a few of my thoughts
for Tammy
why must we sacrifice our happiness?
don’t we deserve to love and be loved too?
to want our needs met isn’t selfishness,
there must be a way for dreams to come true.
we’ve rekindled something that never died,
mixed with uncertainties, doubts, even fears,
and something special we both try to hide
behind protective masks we’ve worn for years
I won’t run away, or give up on you,
this is different than it was before,
unless it’s your choice and you say we’re through
I’m committed to pursuing you more.
Yes, there are challenges that we must face,
questions and obstacles to overcome,
maybe go slower for everyone’s sake,
it is all for the best in the long run.
So these are my thoughts and this is my heart,
hindered only by the words that I write,
don’t let circumstances tear us apart,
i believe we’re worth facing any fight.
Sonnet XXXVI
13 May 2013
Sonnet XXXVI
You may have noticed I am posting less,
the reason now I guess I must confess,
unless I find another way to post,
or someone who’ll offer to be my host,
a secretary who will type for me,
or Dragon’s Speaking Naturally,
my mind is still so vibrant and alive,
but unfortunately, not so my eyes,
you see, excuse the pun, I’m going blind,
there’s nothing they can do for it this time,
my world is growing darker day by day,
you’ve given me so much along the way,
Thank You seems so trite but I am sincere,
you’ve made my journey through words very dear.
Sonnet XXXV
10 May 2013
Sonnet XXXV
we all have a dark place within our souls,
but it’s not the realm of demons and trolls.
It’s that space where our truest selves are stored,
where we cannot face what we most abhor.
That place of secrets we cannot admit,
the scattered pieces that don’t seem to fit.
The truths we ignore to avoid the pain,
the haunting spirits we shackle and chain.
Locked away and forgotten, we pretend,
perhaps they’ll stay there, never rise again?
Few ever willingly visit that place,
but sometimes life does bring us face to face
and the only way out is always through,
it’s a journey we all, alone, must do.
Sonnet XXXIV
10 May 2013
Sonnet XXXIV
There won’t be a next time after this last time,
even though I make that vow every time.
I’ve no desire to ever try again.
My resolve is stronger than it’s ever been.
But this loneliness still weakens my will,
wounding me again by love unfulfilled.
If only I could learn to just not care,
to not want or need someone to be there.
I try to convince myself that I don’t,
that no matter what happens, I won’t,
but my heart betrays me, it wants to love,
even though I know it’s never enough.
I don’t know how some people go without,
or worse, love anyway despite their doubts.
under the cherry blossom trees
09 May 2013
under the cherry blossom trees
intoxicating
flowering trees, overwhelm
every other sense
and I just pause here,
aware that I am alive
as part of something
greater than myself.
and yet, insignificant
apart from the whole.
But that’s the secret
of being in the moment
when all that matters
is not what was, nor what will be
but what is that truly sets me free.
Sonnet XXXIII
09 May 2013
Sonnet XXXIII
Who do I trust with the words I’ve written?
Should they even be preserved in some way?
Thirty-four years, revelations hidden
in journals with poetry on display.
I used to think that was all I could leave,
besides my daughters, to prove I was here,
that my words were my only legacy,
but sometimes, even that seems so unclear.
I never believed in myself enough
and it’s only been in the last few years
that I have started valuing that much
what I have learned to say through joy and tears.
My whole life I have felt this need to write
but how do I decide what comes to light?
Sonnet XXXII
09 May 2013
Sonnet XXXII
But, you see, that’s just it, I do not care
anymore. I have lost the will to fight.
All I see are burdens no matter where
I look. You cannot understand my plight.
You see challenges to be overcome,
disabling circumstances, but still hope.
But I feel nothing, I’m completely numb,
and even with your support, I can’t cope.
I don’t need advice, your words can’t fix me,
I know you care, but unless you’ve been there
you cannot feel what I feel so strongly.
So it is best if I choose not to share.
I’ve pushed everyone away, I’ve had to.
Forgive me, I never meant to hurt you.
Sonnet XXXI
08 May 2013
Sonnet XXXI
I do not discriminate truth and lesser truth,
some hearts and minds and souls just need to spell it out.
And in the unavoidable pain and silence,
I do not feel attacked or the need to react.
There exists only this quieter peacefulness,
coming from an inner place I have never known.
It is like rain falling on a freshly waxed car,
imperviously beading up and running off.
I am untouchable, or at least I pretend,
and for my silence I am always misunderstood.
if necessary, eloquence I possess,
but I am learning more and more to just be still.
Perhaps I am losing that desire to be known,
not only by others, but also by myself?
